01 december 1999 | back | archive | forward

what saddens me the most is that people don't see it. they don't see how incredibly amazing they are. true, i'm sickeningly optimistic and idealistic. i know that. i exaggerate a million times over. i stretch the truth as far as i can. i tell stories. i often make them up. but this. this is no joke or tall tale. this is important to me.

i heard it in his voice last night when he told me nothing was wrong, and i see it in her dissatisfied eyes whenever i look at her. i have witnessed three of my dearest girlfriends starve themselves to stick-like skinniness. i have felt my own desire to change everything about myself, to be someone else, anyone else.

it's not the kind of thing you can give. i've tried. all you can do is tell them how beautiful they are, and be there for them even if they screw up, especially when they screw up, and cherish them as if they were the most precious beings on earth. then you hope that it sinks in. you pray that it does. even if it's a drop at a time.

i am getting better.

i accept compliments. i smile at strangers. i stand up straight. sometimes i even look in the mirror and see a devastatingly beautiful girl staring right back at me. i am getting to know myself, and i am getting to like me very much.

i wish they could, too.

(all links will spawn a new window. do you mind?)

cleaned room. returned videos. paid bills. organized closet. felt like superwoman.

why do you say you'll call back if you don't mean it?

she was born the day after me, and ohmygosh, the similarities only begin there. go see.

"i live in my head. it's nice here, but a little quiet." -- mike sugarbaker.

what are you doing on new year's eve?

say hi:
you know you want to.