carrie's getting married. i told you that, already, right? but i don't think you understood what it meant, what it means. carrie is getting married. carrie is one of my oldest and dearest friends. at one point, we were "best friends," but we learned better: our friendship transcends titles. our friendship has dragged us through stupid sixth grade popularity contests, high school teenage girly angst and crushdom, college confusion and depression and now this: big life changes. marriage.

we used to talk about our weddings a lot. i guess all teenage girls fantasize about the big day. about the right man. about the pretty dress. about the rest of our lives, happily ever and after. we'd sit and chat and giggle in the children's hospital rec room when it was closed -- we volunteered afternoons and would often prep arts and crafts and read dr. seuss books while we waited for the evening's activity to begin. we seemed to have it all figured out back then; some of us, to the last dime and detail.

but now, well, now it's so big and huge and scary. even after having been a bridesmaid as many times as i have, weddings still scare me. walking down that aisle scares me. standing with the girls who are fighting for the bouquet scares me. the first dance scares me. (well, actually the chicken dance and the YMCA scare me.)

i'm not the one getting married, and i'm still scared. for her. for me. for life.

not enough to keep me up at night, but just enough to gnaw at me every so often, to make me wonder what is to become of our lives. my life. it's like, we all started on the same path, that road, you know, the one. and slowly, my friends have started veering off in their own directions. the forks: marriage and kids and far off lands. but here i am, i'm still strolling along. sometimes i feel like i'm walking alone, and i don't know where the hell i'm going.