19 oct 2000 | back | archive | forward | girl | sign | e-mail

sometimes i'll be looking through my site (kind of like how you sneak a peek at yourself in the mirror, just to see, not like you look any different than you did yesterday, but still) and i'll blush. not in any red-cheek, sweaty-palms, hushed-voice way; it's probably not visible to anyone at all.

i'll just all of a sudden i wish i could turn myself outside-in and hide.

i don't know why, exactly, but in that single moment of introspection, i see a self-centered, melodramatic, blathering idiot going on and on about herself, and i'll get annoyed, no, angry, like why are people letting me do this? why are they glorifying such a pathetic display of egocentrism? why are they wasting their time?

maybe it's stage fright. even when i'm writing in my spiralbound book, i stop myself and think, when i die, somebody will look through this, and will i want my mother, brother, friend, to see that i thought this way? i used to write disclaimers at the beginning of each book asking the reader to take pity on me. i'm not really insane, i'd write. these are just thoughts.

i make something public because at that moment that is what i want to say, but the next day i have something else on my mind or i change my mind about it entirely. or i share an image because it makes me smile or laugh, but later i am tired of looking at it. it's just that instead of the words floating away in the air or the photo being stuffed back into a shoebox, they're still there on the screen staring back at me. and you.

luckily, everyone is always way more forgiving with me than i am.


we used to have flowers like this in our backyard.

good hair days.

from now on, i will be more careful of who i call old.

breast cancer runs in my family, which is why i'm supporting making strides against breast cancer.

"hello, young lady. what would you like to have, young lady? here you go, miss. that's 90 cents: nine-oh."--the annoying man who served me at lunch yesterday.

i love that boys can use the word "bob" properly.

i am one moody girl.