i think maybe the reason i have been avoiding christmas-talk is because it really means a lot to me.

i am inundated with christmas this and red and green that when i'm still stuffing my face with halloween candy and turkey leftovers. i cannot go to my favorite restaurants or shops because there is no parking -- and if there is, you better believe you will have to fight the damn suburban for it, a battle my poor little car loses each time. the pressure to buy buy buy and get get get even fools me, so that i am making my own lists and checking them more than twice. and the drama, everyone knows the drama, that families like to put out on the dining table with their finest silverware and china.

but that is not christmas. it's december in southern california.

christmas (and bear with me as i sappily skip down my memory lane) is this magical, spirit-filled season. the holly tree outside my brothers' bedroom window that finally shined with red berries. a 5-year-old girl wearing her newly-sewn, forest green. velvet dress, falling asleep 15 minutes into midnight mass. trying to stay up to meet santa claus only to realize it's morning already, and (damnit)! he already came. seeing my family and friends' faces as they peel open the gift i chose so carefully just for them. the divine spread of roast beef and ham and pancit and lumpia and cakes and cookies that disappears as the night progresses. and, of course, most importantly, thanking God for everything i have.

i miss that. i miss getting giddy and feeling precious. i miss my grandparents and big brother, tom, who are on the other side of the world this year. i miss not even thinking about the christmas spirit as this thing you either have or don't have. i just miss breathing it, effortlessly.

but that doesn't mean i will let it all get the best of me, oh no. i sent a few hand-written cards to those near and dear to my heart but so far away. i bought a few simple tokens and wrapped them modestly. i have already begun to practice singing my favorite christmas carols in my car and bedroom. i baked brownies last night and plan to bake some more. i am going to sit myself by a fire, stuff my face, sing cheery songs, exchange gifts and just be all 'round merry.

you're welcome to celebrate along with me, or not. i don't care. i know i will have myself a merry, little christmas.