21 october 1999 | back | archive | forward

i was driving up the mulholland pass -- this long, windy stretch of freeway that separates the city from the valley -- and i was feeling pretty good for 8 in the morning: sipping my coffee, tearing off pieces of a blueberry muffin, and on time for the first time in over a week.

there was no traffic, just the constant motion of hundreds of cars moving at 80 miles an hour. i, like the rest of the commuters, was starting my thursday, just humming and driving along. but i was not looking straight ahead; i was looking all around me. the hills were actually green and the sky was honestly blue and the clouds were just as i like them, transparent and feathery, like i could almost see beyond them. everything seemed so perfect there, still and quiet and beautiful.

and i. i felt so imperfect and insignificant and small.

it wasn't a sad revelation. it was actually a very comforting thought. a reminder, perhaps, that i am in the center of the universe, but i am not the center of the universe.

it was the realization that maybe they don't notice me so much. maybe they don't realize that i make the same mistakes over and over again. maybe they don't hear all the terribly stupid things i say or read between the lines of my completely self-centered thoughts. maybe they don't realize i am just a scared little girl, or maybe they do, and they forgive me, because they're scared, too.

it's a lot of pressure, wondering if they're watching you, thinking you have to do it all just the right way and make it fit perfectly and neatly, and trying, trying so hard to be everything for everyone.

but it's okay. i am not the only one. it was there, written with magic ink in the sky, scattered like monopoly houses in the hills, moving through the traffic like liquid sand.

in one month and one day i turn 24, my foray into the mid-twenties. in honor of this grand occasion and to help my family and friends who actually (god-help-me) read this thing, i have made my first-ever birthday list.

my princess leia pez dispenser. she is smiling at me.

i need a halloween costume. what should i be?

go see my contribution to the PBIA (photobooth image archive). i think i've linked stefan before, but that's okay. he's nice.

"the road took me there."

the fourth day is always the worst.

e-mail me.
>i like e-mail. i like you, too.