i am sharing my phone number with two outlaws, chris and dorothy hammerman. he owes tons of money. she's a juvenile delinquent. the whole world, it seems, is looking for them, and they are calling me to find them.

i should have known the moment i'd ordered my phoneline that the digits were jinxed. it took four GTE visits, almost $100 and a six-pack of corona to get the line installed. and then it got disconnected four days later.

since it's been reconnected, an event that would under ordinary circumstances and in a normal girl's life go without much fanfare or confusion, i've gotten phonecalls looking for this couple. credit card companies. case workers. and then this morning, a sweet-sounding old lady with a shakey, nervous voice.

"do you know where they are?" she asked, in a bit of a panic.

lady, i wanted to tell her, i don't even know who they are, but i sure would love to meet them. hell, they get more calls than i do.