01 october 1999 | back | archive | forward

there's this fine line between waiting and acting, and i am standing on it right now.

the world says do it, do it now. but my world (the one in which i was raised, my parents, my friends, my God) says hold on, be patient, wait. i have. i do. but god. i want. right now.

i want a cordless phone and a VCR. a trashcan to put under the sink and a shelf to put over it. i want more sweaters and shoes and coats.

i want arms to hold me when i'm mopey and ears to listen to me vent. someone i can call at a moment's notice and meet at the coffeehouse down the street. someone who will send me flowers for no reason at all. someone who thinks the world of me.

and i want to know it all, already. answers. meanings. purposes. truths.

but i know, i know. patience is a virtue. i want to be virtuous, i want to be wise, i want to laugh in the face of the world that says everything must happen faster than the carpool lane and the cable modem. i do.

it's a balance, isn't it. knowing when to say now and when to say later, when to say this isn't enough and this is just fine. it's something i haven't quite yet figured out, so i just stand here, very still, hoping i don't lose my balance and fall.

so that friend i'd mentioned, the one who signed my guestbook, he sought me out. which was just neat. to be sought out. and thought of. and missed.

i cannot contain laughter when i should. i nearly spewed my food all over the table at lunch in front of my whole department. and i call myself a grownup.

i found myself watching TV the other night, even if nothing good was on. that WB show, popular really got on my nerves. the "uncool" girl -- a liv tyler-esque bombshell beauty -- was complaining how she wasn't as babelike as the "most popular girl in school." this is precisely what turns girls into self-loathing, apologetic creatures.

"he oozes with schmooze." -- in the office.

i saw american beauty and cannot shake the red rose petals image out of my head.