09 july 2000 | back | archive | forward | girl | sign | e-mail

i keep telling the story over and over again that it rolls off my tongue and sounds almost poetic.

my grandpa is very ill. he has pneumonia. he also has a hole in his aorta, which means his heart is leaking. i didn't know hearts leaked, but his is. the doctor says, however, he is responding to the pneumonia medication, which is promising. my mom left for the philippines this morning to be with him and my grandma. she is probably somewhere over the atlantic ocean, praying a novena under her breath.

you don't know how badly i wish i was on that plane with her.

that is one of the hardest things about all of this. the philippines is so far away. i can't just call grandma in the middle of the afternoon to see how things are going. i can't stop by the hospital on my way home from work. i can't stroke my grandpa's hand or kiss his cheek. i can't smile at him and whisper in his ear that i love him. that is so hard for me.

in the past few days, i have felt more emotion than i even knew existed. a lot of it is sadness, fear and anger, but it's a different kind of emotion. more intense, perhaps. more real.

death is so powerful -- it brings families closer, forces you to notice and appreciate details and spurs this understanding of life. i never understood life or death. i thought i did, but i am realizing i never really could. i knew people who died, many of whom were close in some way to me -- a family friend, a great aunt, a kid in my youth group -- but never anyone who played such an integral part in my life. in many ways, a monument. the foundation.

the prospect of losing my grandpa in the near future is a reality, and i am trying to come to grips with it.

but i am finding peace. a lot of it is coming through writing about it and talking about it, constantly, obsessively. the more i write in my journal -- not here, but a place i can completely brutally violently let loose -- the more i understand. the more i hear about other people's experiences with losing a loved one, the less alone i feel. and hugs help. a lot.

i am glad that i could be here for my parents this weekend and that my mom can be there for her parents in the coming weeks. we are hanging in there.

thank you to those who have sent prayers and well wishes for my grandpa and the rest of my family. you are bright and shining stars.

only three more weeks in my apartment? say it ain't so.

i saw Jesus' Son! no, not the son of Jesus Christ, silly-- the indie flick, which was based on the book by denis johnson, which i now have to read, because the movie was so damn good. movie watcher bonus: billy crudup. mmm.

"funk can not only mooove, it can reee-mooove. dig?" -- some catchy tune on KCRW's morning becomes eclectic.

my room smells like a fruit-salad, thanks to the candles i lit earlier.

my moody mood