07 june 2000 | back | archive | forward | girl | sign | e-mail

your body is always telling you things. i'm hungry, it says. i'm thirsty. i'm sleepy. i'm horny. do something. please. now.

last night mine told me i was crazy.

i was sitting at my desk, checking e-mail, sketching behold designs, chatting with a friend, when the pain shot up from my wrist like they said it would. i'd felt it coming-- there was one day a couple weeks ago when my right hand just stopped functioning. as if it couldn't hear my brain anymore. my wallet slipped out of my grip. i dropped sushi on the way to my mouth, twice. it didn't hurt, but it felt funny, numb-like, almost.

carpal tunnel? i wondered. so i did some research and asked around and they all said, "no, it's supposed to hurt."

"you'll know when it's carpal tunnel. you'll feel the pain, from here to here," they said, tracing a path on my arm.

i chalked it up to clumsy, because, well, i just am.

and then last night, it happened. the pain. not sharp and excruciating, just dull and bothersome. but just enough so that everything i'd had planned -- updating this, redesigning behold, writing my grandma, catching up on e-mail -- was nothing i should do. i'd had two cups of coffee but i was already tired. the prospect of my wrist being forever ruined just exhausted me even more. all i wanted to do was crawl into bed.

it was not even midnight. i feel so indulgent if i sleep before midnight, like i'm wasting all this precious time, like i am a prissy girl who needs beauty rest. but there was nothing more to do, so i went to sleep.

this morning i awoke, and my wrist felt fine. and it wasn't just my wrist that felt fine. i wasn't achey or groggy or cranky like i always am in the morning. i was actually happy to get up.

eight hours of sleep made all the difference.

and this, this is when i heard my body laugh at me. you crazy girl, it said, of course you feel good. you got rest. you slowed down. you gave yourself some time to relax.

i guess i sometimes i fool myself into thinking i can do it all, right then and there, at my own convenience, without regard to such things as sleeping or eating or breathing. i am so good at telling other people to take care of themselves, but i am always forgetting to do it, myself. once in a while, i need to just slow down, or stop completely, all the while reminding myself that it doesn't make me any less of a person. it just keeps me healthy and sane.

there's a new episode in He Said, She Said: what about the opposite sex gets under your skin? come on. speak up. you know you want to.

going through the behold entries (while in the throes of the fabled redesign) has been so satisfying. they make me smile so much.

it's easier to complain, sometimes, than to accept the fact that good things are happening to you. will you let them?

hee hee. if you were thinking of buying me a gift at amazon.com, don't get me confused with this christine castro.

"i have a grasp on reality," he said.
"i don't," she shot back. "reality is too slippery for me."

i'll only say this once: source code.