12 april 2000 | back | archive | forward | girl | sign | e-mail

he told me i had a great smile. thanks, i said, but i feel like a big, brick wall in that photo. big and wide and sturdy.

"but i'm probably just being a silly girl."

"yeah," he said. "girl sillyness."

for breakfast, i've been eating frosted flakes or cheerios out of a ziploc baggy, sometimes with a banana or apple or pear. by 10:30am, i am already hungry and thinking about what i want to have for lunch.

today we went to Islands for lunch because we were all craving french fries. the boys at work know i love french fries. all tommy has to do is wave the fast food du jour bag in the air; i smell the greasy goodness and dash right to him to grab a few. i fought the urge to order a mushroom swiss burger (a fight i've been losing a lot, lately) and ordered chicken soft tacos, instead. i ate two of the three.

"i swear, i'm getting fat. i've been eating too much ice cream," i told carrie, inbetween spoonfulls.

"what kind?"

"um...strawberry cheesecake," i said.

"well maybe it's not that you're eating ice cream, but the kind of ice cream that you're eating."

"yeah, i guess i've been eating the fattiest possible kind of ice cream there is. but it's just so good."

the other night i tried to calculate the percentage of my girlfriends who've suffered from eating disorders. it was about 50 percent. one summer, my next-door-neighbor's cousin tried to teach me how to force myself to throw up, out of her own good will. i told her she was crazy. once, years later, i thought it might be okay to go anorexic just for a little while, just to shed a few extra pounds, but then i started to imagine all the food i'd miss. i never considered it again.

"so what are you going to wear to this thing?" she asked.

"i don't know."

she suggested one of my favorite dresses, one i'd been considering, as well.

"but if i wear that dress," i said, "i'll have to do something about my arms. it has those short cap sleeves that makes arms look even fatter than they are."

somehow joel and i got to talking about in-n-out. he didn't understand what the big deal was.

i explained to him how i crave it each time i am away from home and that it's what has kept me from giving up red meat, seriously. three days into my trial no-red-meat period, and my parents came home with double-doubles and fries. two days later, i gave up giving up red meat and bought myself a cheeseburger with grilled onions, fries and a vanilla shake.

we were at borders, looking through magazines.

"i used to like this magazine," i said, "except it has--"

"a lot of waifish models?" he asked.


a few actresses who have been told to shed some extra pounds, despite obvious talent: janeane garafolo (see this month's issue of marie claire), christina ricci, sandra bullock and margaret cho. if they become ultra skinny, who will be left to help girls like me feel normal?

"i told rich how refreshing it is to have a roommate who isn't obsessed with food," michelle said.

it's funny to think that she was actually talking about me.

long talks on the phone with my girlfriends; e-mails from my brother, even if they're only a sentence long; and james iha singing, "be strong now."

i keep forgetting my dreams soon after i wake up, and i am left only with the sensation that it was a really good one. maybe i should do what maura does.

somehow she reminds me a lot of myself.

"sometimes i still really amuse myself," i said.

"that's all that matters."

cubicles aren't that bad. neither are cuticles, for that matter.