13 january 2000 | back | archive | forward

i lied.

i am always resolving things, and it was rather ridiculous, really, to pretend that i would stop (and did anybody stop to laugh that i made a resolution to stop making resolutions? i did). it is ridiculous for me to stop expecting or even hoping. it's like the boy who gets his heart broken for the first time. he won't want to ask a girl out anymore. why bother? well because he wants to feel the pitter patter, of course. and so the next time he sees a sweet looking girl, he musters up the courage and approaches her.

i want to feel the pitter patter, again.

so i am folding up my hope and slipping it in my pocket so that it's with me everywhere i go. i am trying to write more and better. i am hoping that maybe, just maybe, i'll meet somebody who can tolerate me. i am expecting good things to come at work in a few months. i anticipate a healthy, prosperous, productive year. and each night when i go to bed, i take note of my day, thinking of how i didn't do this or how i should have done that, and i resolve to do better next time.

i guess all i was trying to say was that i don't need a new year -- no matter how many zeroes it has -- to do that. this is how i try to live my life. it's the only way i know how.

go. now.

the prospect of something more.

i know my parents are fine, but it'd be nice if they called.

i got this quote in e-mail today: "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us."
--Nelson Mandella
courtesy of a girl named kelly. which i thought was sweet.

"i think it's time to shake my life up a little bit," said alex. i haven't been scared of anything for a while."

oh, the boy who twirled me, if you must know, was someone who goes to my church. that is all.

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